Saturday, October 30, 2004

Mistuh Know-it-all, he dead

I killed him. It just got too annoying, it was more of a nuisance than those irritating Al Qaedas, having this comprends-tous (sait-tout?) in my head. See, that's proof. I don't even have a clue if the French really have an expression corresponding to "know-it-all" in their silly language, which has now almost completely surrendered to me, {Only Compiegne and the Haute-Savoie are holding out, along with a few mountain villages in the Pyrenees} or if "comprends-tous" is used, how it should be spelt (wait a minute. Shouldn't that be "spelled"? Doesn't "spelt" have something to do with fish and their utterly irresponsible and Clintonian mating processes? Or is that smelt?) But I went ahead and put it down anyway, because darn it "comprends-tous" sounds better than "know-it-all" and I don't even care if some mindless truffle-snorters use or don't use a particular expression, or how they spell it. It serves my needs and so there you feckless foie-gras fanciers.

This is so liberating you just don't know. For 56 years now old monsieur (actually, far more likely to be mamselle!) comprends-tous has been beating me about the head and shoulders when I write or say anything that doesn't correspond to what dimwit wrote in some book around the time of the Flood, which may or may not have happened and I don't know and even care. More later, if I care to and if the Scotch doesn't do for me entirely and disenfranchise me by rendering me unable to vote for Bush on Tuesday, the result, obviously of a conspiracy between McEdwards and MacKerry. If I look really hard and drink a real lot I'm sure I can find those names somewhere on the bottle. Like it matters.
This fever will break

Saturday before the election, dear Diary, and here I am in a sweat, because this darn weather hasn't broken and I bought a half-gallon (no, I WON'T call it a "1.75-Liter" even though that's what it is) of Scotch (Duggan's Dew, 86.8 proof) to get me through the election. And by the way, couldn't they have just evened it out to two liters? If Bush wins, I celebrate, if he loses I drown my sorrows as I watch Kerry turn the keys of the country over to Osama. Either way the rapacious international Scotch merchants win and I turn up for work with a hangover.

And I know it doesn't really matter. I've been through this so many times before and it has never actually changed my way of living, except for that idiot Carter. The more I think about it I don't think I did vote for Carter in 1980, so 1976 was the last time I voted. Carter had broken his promise to run the govt. on "zero-based budgeting", which was the only reason I voted for him in '76. There was also that little matter of the hostages and the idiotic Olympic boycott. That's what Kerry would have done if he had been Prez in 1990. "Now, Saddam, you pull out of Kuwait or else the US will pull out of any Olympics that Iraq participates in and by the way the UN - and the entire Olympic Committee - except for you and probably Kuwait - is going to really, really punish you for killing your Olympians who don't perform properly. Oh, you're going to be so sorry!"