Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Let us hippies speak!
I've been listening with some bemusement to John Kerry claiming that he is a "patriot" because he volunteered to go to VietNam and then protested against the war when he got back. Well, I don't feel the same way now, but back in the Sixties, I was thoroughly against the war. I wouldn't ever have harassed troops coming back from VietNam, especially if they were draftees, but I hated - yes, hated - anyone who went voluntarily. Now that Kerry is claiming political capital because he went and fought - and also because he protested - I can't believeanyone is taking him seriously. If you absolutely positively couldn't get out of the draft and felt you must volunteer to get a commission or for whatever reason - like running for President in thirty years - the only morally correct thing you could do, short of going to Canada, would be to get a place in the National Guard and show up as little as possible. So Bush was the real moral patriot.
And why is any of this relevant now, when all the services are one hundred percent volunteer? And when so many of us feel strongly that America should not be ruled by Osama bin Laden, isn't the situation a little bit different?
Marriage every which way
Now that a Massachusetts "court" has "ruled" that the legislature must allow gay marriage - and what exactly gives them the legitimate power to dictate to the legislature in this way? - it has become clear that marriage rights are now open to all. If you are a man, why must you be "gay" in order to marry another man, to get benefits or dower rights or hospital visitation or whatever? Aren't the courts going to need a definition of "gay" to determine whether two men are allowed to marry by the new laws? What is that definition, anyway? Are you gay if you say you're gay? That didn't work for the Philadelphia firefighters who claimed to be minorities on the basis of a great-grandmother they asserted was part Negro. They were subject to a judicial examination of their bloodlines worthy of Nazi Germany or apartheid South Africa. So we'll doubtless need a national certification agency to investigate, examine and analyze those who claim to have a certain habit of mind that matches the legal definition of "homosexual". Oh, Joy. More work for lawyers, psychiatrists and philosophers. Will a "couple" have to prove a certain level of "love" to get a license? How exactly would that concept be quantified? I really love cole slaw. I expect it to be my constant companion until my Creator claims me. Oh, I may stray in the direction of potato salad now and again, once I get off this Atkins kick, but if a psychologist put me in a darkened room and flashed pictures of food on a screen and measured my pupillary dilation, I'm sure good old slaw would always produce a reaction reaching the legal minimum.
Evil Bread
Going back on Atkins and getting the good old energy boost and clear thinking, I ruminate on the evil of bread. Man used to eat mostly meat, before agriculture. After agriculture came along, the tribe of Man grew in numbers, but only the nobles had a good supply of meat. The peasants ate carbohydrates, dooming them to stupidity and inertia. Now that capitalism has made it possible to supply everyone with cheap meat, a new utopia awaits. Everyone can have the mind of a Charlemagne, a Caesar. Carnivores have always ruled. Now we can all rule ourselves. The only necessity is the exposure once and for all of the evil of starches and sugars. The FDA should stop harassing smokers and start rooting out the real evil - carbohydrates. Only by utterly eliminating the temptations of fresh-baked bread, steaming pasta and twinkling jellie candies will we achieve our real potential as men.